! गोल !

लालू अपने पीऐ से : ये सारे प्लायेर्स बोल को क्यों मार रहे है ?

पीऐ लालू जी से : सर गोल करने के लिए

लालू पीऐ से : ससुरा बोल तो पहीले से ही गोल है और कितना गोल करेगे !

प्रसाद

इस दुनिया में कौन सी देवी का कौन सा प्रसाद बहुत मशहूर है ?

देवी का लालू प्रसाद

! बिहार ड्राइविंग लाईसेन्स !

देरिविंग लाईसेन्स अप्प्लिकासों

नोट : प्लेस दो नोट सूट थे परसों अत थे अप्प्लिकासों कौन्टर।

हे विल गिव यू थे लिसन

इफ यू डोंट क्नो हाउ टू फिल, कॉपी फ्रॉम यौर फ्रिएंद (दोस्त) अप्प्लिकासों।

फॉर फुर्त्हत इन्स्त्रुक्तिओन्स्, सी बोत्तोम अप्प्लिकासों।

१। लास्ट नेम :

( _ ) यादव ( _ ) सिन्हा ( _ ) पाण्डेय ( _ ) मिश्रा ( _ ) डोंट नो

(चेचक करेट बॉक्स)

२। फुस्त नेम :

( _ ) रामप्रसाद ( _ ) लखन ( _ ) सिव्प्रसाद ( _ ) जम्नाप्रसाद ( _ ) डोंट नो

(चेचक करेट बॉक्स)

३। आगे :

( _ ) लेस थान फिप्टी ( _ ) ग्रेटर थान फिप्टी ( _ ) डोंट नो

(चेचक करेट बॉक्स)

४। सेक्स _____ म _____ (फ) _____ नोट सुर _____ नोट अप्प्लिकाब्ले

(चेचक करेट बॉक्स)

५। चप्पल साइज़ : _____ लेफ्ट _____ रिघ्त

६। ओक्चुपसों :

( _ ) पोलितिसों ( _ ) दूधवाला ( _ ) पेहेल्वान ( _ ) हौस विफे ( _ ) उन - EMPLOYED

(चेचक करेट बॉक्स)

७। नम्बर ऑफ़ चिल्ड्रेन लिबिंग इन थे हौसेहोल्ड : _____

८। नम्बर ठाट अरे यौर्ज : _____

९। मोठेर नेम : _____

१०। फाठेर नेम : _____ ( इफ नोट नो, लीबे ब्लांक )

११। एज्जुकासों : १ २ ३४ ( सर्कल हिघेस्त किलास अत्तेंदेद )

१२। डेंटल रेकार्ड :

( _ ) एल्लो ( _ ) बेरोव्निश - एल्लो ( _ ) बेरोवं ( _ ) बेलैक ( _ ) ओथेर _____ गिव एग्झाक्त कोलोर

(चेचक करेट बॉक्स)

१३। यौर ठुम्ब इम्परेस्सों :

__________

(इफ यू अरे कोप्यिंग फ्रॉम अनोठेर अप्प्लिकासों फरोम, प्लेस दो नोट कॉपी ठुम्ब इम्प्रेशन अल्सो, प्लेस प्रोविदे यौर ओवन ठुम्ब इम्प्रेशन।)

प्लेस दो नोट उसे फिन्गेर्स ऑफ़ यौर लेग्स

उसे ठुम्ब ओं यौर लेफ्ट हैण्ड ओनली। इफ यू डोंट हवे ले फट हैण्ड, उसे यौर ठुम्ब ओं रिघ्त हैण्ड। इफ यू दो नोट हवे रिघ्त हैण्ड, उसे ठुम्ब ओं लेफ्ट हैण्ड।

नोट : इफ यू डोंट हवे बोट हंड्स , यू कान्नोत देरिवे।

वे अरे वारी इस्त्रिक्ट अबाउट थिस

! Laloo and his barber !

Laloo Prasad Yadav is getting shaved by his new barber, when he mentions about the problems he had getting a close shave around the cheeks."I have just the thing to solve that problem," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from his box, "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

Laloo places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave Laloo has ever experienced. After a few strokes,

Laloo asks in garbled speech,

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber.

"Just give it back to me tomorrow like everyone else does."

! Hunting !

Lalloo decides to go for hunting lion along with his other 2 friends.

The first friends hunts 1 lion.

Lalloo asks him “How did you got lion hunt”.

Friend replies “I saw tracks, followed tracks and shot a lion”.

Second friend also gets lion hunt.

Lalloo ask same question.

Friend replies “I saw tracks, followed tracks and shot a lion”.

Lalloo says OK I will go for lion hunt and get 2 lion hunts.

Lalloo returns with broken bones.

Friends ask Lalloo what happened

Lalloo say “I saw tracks, followed tracks but got hit by train”

! Car Lights !

Lalloo's wife was driving a car with Lalloo sitting next to her. She suspects that cars left and right turn signals not working. So she stops the car on the side of the road and asks the Lalloo if he doesn't mind stepping out of the car to check the turn lights while she tests them. Lalloo steps out and stands in front of the car. Lalloo's wife turns on turn signal lights and ask him

"Abhi ye light chalu hai kya nahi bolo"

Lalloo responds "Chalu hai....Chalu nahi hai....Chalu hai.... Chalu nahi hai....Chalu hai....Chalu nahi hai…. "

!! Hum hai hindustani !!

Bengali

One Bengali = poet.

Two Bengalis = a film society.

Three Bengalis = political party.

Four Bengalis = two political parties.

More than four Bengali’s = Countrywide agitation to bring Ganguli into Indian Cricket Team.

Bihari

One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav.

Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad.

Three Biharis = caste killing.

Four Biharis = entire literate population of Patna.

Punjabi

One Punjabi =100 kg hulk named Pinky.

Two Punjabis = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky.

Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds.

Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one.

Mallu

One Mallu = coconut stall.

Two Mallus = a boat race.

Three Mallus = Gulf job racket.

Four Mallus = oil slick.

UP Bhaiyya

One UP bhaiyya = a milkman.

Two UP bhaiyyas = halwai shop.

Three UP bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP assembly.

Four UP bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad.

Gujju

One Gujju = share-broker in a Bombay train.

Two Gujjus = rummy game in a Bombay train.

Three Gujjus = Bombay’s noisiest restaurant.

Four Gujjus = stock market scam.

Andhraite

One Andhraite = chili farmer.

Two Andhraites = software company in New Jersey.

Three Andhraites = Naxalite outfit.

Four Andhraites = song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie.

Kashmiri

One Kashmiri = carpet salesman.

Two Kashmiris = carpet factory.

Three Kashmiris = terrorist outfit.

Four Kashmiris = shoot-at-sight order.

Tamil-Brahmin

One Tam-Brahm = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple.

Two Tam-Brahms = maths tuition class.

Three Tam-Brahms = queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m.

Four Tam-Brahms = Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara.

Bombayite
One Bombayite = footpath vada-pav stall.

Two Bombayites = film studio.

Three Bombayites = slum.

Four Bombayites = the number of people standing on your foot in the train at rush hour.

Sindhi

One Sindhi = currency racket.

Two Sindhis = papad factory.

Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar .

Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association.

Marwari

One Marwari = the neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator.

Two Marwaris = 50% of Calcutta.

Three Marwaris = finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis.

Four Marwaris = threaten the Jews as a community.

! Chitti Aayee Hai !

When Laloo went to prison, he told his wife Rabri,"When I come back I want all the mails that come while I am gone with the date they came on written on them in order.

"Rabri says, "Ok."

On his return, she hands him a bunch of letters and on each was written,"Aaj Aayee." (Came today)

! Burial Gift !

Three kids walking by a lake see Laloo Yadav jogging. He passes them by and falls into the lake a few seconds later. So, they rush into the water and save him from drowning. Laloo thanks them.

Laloo: Anything you want shall be done.

First boy: I want to go to the Bihar Naval Academy.

Laloo: Then, I will make sure you get into the Naval Academy.

Then to second boy: What do you want?

Second boy: I want to go to USA.

Laloo: You will go to USA.

Third boy: I want to be buried in Central Cemetery.

Laloo: You are so young, why are you concerned about your death.

Third boy: Because my father will kill me when he finds out what I did today!

! Apple !

Laloo ji class mein - madam meine abc yaad karli..
Madam -ok , to sunao

Laloo Ji - abcdefghijklemnopqrstuvwxyz.....
madam - arey aise nahi ....aise suna A for apple

Laloo Ji - ok madam....
A for apple.
B for bada apple.
C for chhota apple.
D for dusra apple.
E for ek aur apple.
F for fokat ka apple.
G for gol apple.
H for hazar apple
I for itney saarey apple?
J for jaao nahi khaani hai apple
K for kaise nahi khaayengey apple
L for lena padhega tumko apple
M for mujhe nahi chahiye itne apple
N for naa nahi kehtey kyunkey yeh hai apple
O for Oh to tumne khaa daale yeh saare apple
P for peth bhar khaao apple
Q for qismat mein nahi hoti hai sabke, yeh apple
R for roz agar khaao tum apple
S for sehetmand rahoge khaaogey agar tum apple
T for tumko nahi milengey itney achey apple
U for udhaar kii nahi hai yeh apple
V for very tasy hai yeh apple
W for waste na karo time aur khaalo jaldi se apple
X for X'mas mei bhii Hi! khana padenge apple
Y for youn na chehra phero dekhkey apple
Z for zaraasa aur khaalo apple aur...........

!! Jack and Jill (remix) !!

Laloo Bhai bihari

Went up the pahari

To fetch a bail for court order

Laloo fell down

And lost his crown

But Rabri reigned the reafter.

! Hum hai hindustani !

Bengali

One Bengali = poet.

Two Bengalis = a film society.

Three Bengalis = political party.

Four Bengalis = two political parties.

More than four Bengali’s = Countrywide agitation to bring Ganguli into Indian Cricket Team.

Bihari

One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav.

Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad.

Three Biharis = caste killing.

Four Biharis = entire literate population of Patna.

Punjabi

One Punjabi =100 kg hulk named Pinky.

Two Punjabis = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky.

Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds.

Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one.

Mallu

One Mallu = coconut stall.

Two Mallus = a boat race.

Three Mallus = Gulf job racket.

Four Mallus = oil slick.

UP Bhaiyya

One UP bhaiyya = a milkman.

Two UP bhaiyyas = halwai shop.

Three UP bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP assembly.

Four UP bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad.

Gujju

One Gujju = share-broker in a Bombay train.

Two Gujjus = rummy game in a Bombay train.

Three Gujjus = Bombay’s noisiest restaurant.

Four Gujjus = stock market scam.

Andhraite

One Andhraite = chili farmer.

Two Andhraites = software company in New Jersey.

Three Andhraites = Naxalite outfit.

Four Andhraites = song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie.

Kashmiri

One Kashmiri = carpet salesman.

Two Kashmiris = carpet factory.

Three Kashmiris = terrorist outfit.

Four Kashmiris = shoot-at-sight order.

Tamil-Brahmin

One Tam-Brahm = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple.

Two Tam-Brahms = maths tuition class.

Three Tam-Brahms = queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m.

Four Tam-Brahms = Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara.

Bombayite

One Bombayite = footpath vada-pav stall.

Two Bombayites = film studio.

Three Bombayites = slum.

Four Bombayites = the number of people standing on your foot in the train at rush hour.

Sindhi

One Sindhi = currency racket.

Two Sindhis = papad factory.

Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar .

Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association.

Marwari

One Marwari = the neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator.

Two Marwaris = 50% of Calcutta.

Three Marwaris = finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis.

Four Marwaris = threaten the Jews as a community.

!! Laloo poems... !!

Laloo to aisa beCHARA na tha..

Bin rabdi, malai uska gujara na tha..

Fir kyun kiya usne ghas-phus ka ghotala?

Jawab mila 'aur koi CHARA na tha.

'Dekho Dekho laloo aaya

kitni saari bhainsein laaya

kaali kaali bhainson se

kaala kaala note kamaaya

patna se le kar dilli tak

corruptionva ka jhanda laharaya

kursi ki taang toot gayi

par apni taang ko nahin hataaya

hum nahin to humaar rabri hi sahi

sarkar ko ghar ka vyapaar banaaya

Finally:

Har shaakh pe ullu baitha hai

unjaam-e-gulistaan kya hoga

barbaad gulistaan karne ko

ek hi LALOO kafi hai

Last but not least;

What will a 'bhains' say to laloo (Song Situation )'

Tune Mera Duth Piya Hai Tu Bilkul Mere Jaisa Hai.'

!! Suar... !!

Laloo Yadav's car is driving along a back country road on the way back to Patna , when all of a sudden a piglet jumps out in front of the car. The piglet dies on the spot. Laloo, upset, tells the chauffeur to go find the owner of the piglet so that he can pay the damages. The driver is gone for two hours and when he comes back, he has a bag full of money, and a wondering look on his face.Laloo wants to know what happened. The driver tells him

'Hum jab gaanv me pahuncha to dekha kuchh log ped ke niche baithe hain. Jub hum unko bataya ki kya hua hai, tab sare log jama ho gaye. Humko laga ki aaj to hamari pitayee hogee. Par hum dekha ki sare log paisa jama kar rahe hain. Hum socha ki ye sara piasa wo janvar ke malik ke liye hai. Par un logo ne saara paisa hamein de diya.' Laloo says 'Sasoor ka natee, Theek theek batao. Tum unko kya bola tha?'

The driver replies 'Hum kaha ki hum Laloo Yadav ka driver hoon aur hum sooar ka bachcha ko maar diya hoon ..'

!! Billoo & Laloo !!

Gates : Namaskar! you must have heard of Windows.

Laloo : Oh yes! most govt. offices we have the single window clearance concept. Gates : At home have u installed Windows?

Laloo : I have removed all windows due to increased burgalaries in our house.

Gates(Confused): Then what is the system you operate on?

Laloo : OPERATION? Yes, I had a Hernia operation last month.

Gates: (System Crashes and Found Missing).

'Windows is restarting.Please wait.............'

!! Tax Dues !!

A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in bihar. He's stopped in traffic and thinks,

"Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual we're not even moving."He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars and he rolls down his window and says,

"Excuse me officer, what's the hold up?"

"Laloo just found out the verdict, and he's all depressed. he's lying down in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. She just doesn't have Rs.85 Crores for the tax dues. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him

"The man says,"Oh really, how much have you got so far."

"So far....ten litres."

!! Jack n Jill poem in laloo style !!

Jekwa n Jilwa gaye upar hilwa, paani bhari ka vaste.Jekwa gir gawa, uka khopdi phutt gawa n Jilwa aawat ludkan pura raste.

!! University final examination !!

Laloo ji is appearing for his University final examination.

He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window.

He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit.

The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

"Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar," he says,? it says here,'Answer the following questions in brief'.

!! Lie Detector !!

An Englishman, an American and a laloo ji are called upon to test a lie detector .

The Englishman says:"I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer".

BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector.

"Ok", he says, "10 bottles".

And the machine is silent.

The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers".BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector.

!! Regular glasses !!

A policeman was testing Laloo Ji, Manmohan Ji and Atal Ji who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows Manmohan Ji a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

Manmohan Ji answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile.

"Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at Atal Ji and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

" Atal Ji smiles and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds,

"What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

"Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to Laloo Ji and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." Laloo Ji looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contactlenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," Laloo Ji replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."